We have a ugly/cute Shih-Tzu named Silas and an ugly/cute Blue Point Himalayan named Biggie (actually, it’s Notorious B.I.G.) I say ugly/cute because, as their human parent, I think they’re lovely. The reactions from others tells me different. In their defense, I’m positive they look at us, their people, and think much the same. Here they are:
Cute, right? Here’s their close-ups:
So, my husband and I are kind of idiots. We can sit for twenty minutes, staring at our pets as they go about their business of being pets, and create conversations based on what we think they’d be saying, could they speak. For example?
Last night, while watching the dog watch us as we watched our respective Netflix movies on our iPads, we thought up this bit of doggie dialogue:
“Ahem.” Silas ‘says’, slow blinking, three lower teeth sticking out jauntily from his lower lip. “Ahem, I say!” We look quizzically at him as we both pause our screens. He looks quizzically back.
My husband says, “Yes, Silas?”
Silas replies, “Oh, um I was just wondering… where might be my lovely bone I had just moments ago?” The lovely bone he speaks of is a gnarled, wet, and disgusting knob of (digestible & safe) rawhide that is NOT welcome on the bed. Ever.
Silas knows this, yet continues. “But I need it. Do you have it?” He turns an accusing puppy eye in my direction. “Is it in your hand? (Paws at my hand) Is it in your mouth? (sticks his stinky wet snout in my face)”
He determines, in this moment, that I indeed do NOT have his beloved bone. Sits back down.
“Father. Do you have my lovely bone?” Blink. Blink. Blink. Waits patiently for my husband to respond, but he is pretending to not have heard.
Silas barks, once, and sharply. We assume that translates as, “Fuckers!” My husband and I laugh. Silas does not.
While we often imagine Silas as the witless goofball, Biggie is like the British Wilfred Brimly of cats. Ever weary of his humans and canine alike, forever suffering the fools in his domicile. Everything inconveniences him, everyone exists to annoy him. Unless it is 3 a.m. Then, he is your best fucking friend and wants to play. NOW, bitch.
We feel that a conversation with him goes pretty much exactly how you think a cat would talk to a human:
Upon discovering his food bowl was only half full (or as he calls it: fucking empy):
“Human” I respond with “Yes, Big?”
“Feed me.” He wheezes, Darth Vader-like as he watches me look into his food bowl.
I say, “You have food.”
“Feed me. Now.” More wheezing. I give in, pour more food into the bowl, and sit back down. He walks over to the food, sniffs it disdainfully, and says,
“I thought I told you: No Liver.” I dump out the food, replace it with different food, sit back down and grab my magazine.
After again sniffing the food bowl, and recoiling as if electrically shocked- not once, but three times, Biggie saunters over, leaps directly onto my bladder and walks on top of the magazine. He then proceeds to lay down on said paper and says,
“I‘m not hungry anymore. Pet me.” Which I do. He next says to stop touching him. He is now petting me. With his claws. He then says,
“By the way, I left you a hairball. Guess where it is.” He laughs almost exactly like Dr. Evil and falls asleep.
Of course, experts will tell you that animals do not reason, feel and think as humans do. They are wrong, as any human with pets can tell you. Anyone who has stumbled upon an ‘accident’ in the house or a shredded roll of toilet paper, can tell you that the look on their dogs face: Guilt.
Back the boys.They have tons of imagined conversations, according to my husband and I. We find it amusing, if not hysterical at times. (We also realize our idea of super funny may not be in line with everyone else’s, so I’ll spare you. For now. Basically, just until I can put together a video to do justice, one which will likely be poorly edited and of mediocre quality, and you will be kind enough to NOT point out the obvious.) These two are what we commonly call “Frien-emies”. That is, Silas thinks they are friends, and Biggie is confident they are enemies. Here they are, in friend mode. Personally, I’m slightly disturbed by this pic. They look guilty to me…
Then there’s this:
So. Whatever, right? There’s a longer, even more boring video of these two on my YouTube channel, go check it out if you’d like to lose 3 minutes of your life that you’ll never, ever get back.
Self-depreciating humor aside, I love working on these little randomly written thoughts & hope you get a kick out of them, too. I’d love to see YOUR furry family pics, too so feel free to share them in the comments!