Life Lessons I’ve Learned By Being A Police Wife

My husband and I met over a dozen years ago, through a dating website. We both, come to find out, just wanted to try something out of our comfort zones, neither actually “looking for love” or a one night stand for that matter. For me, as a self professed “in a bubble” girl. I only liked my circle of friends and family. Outsiders/strangers hold no appeal. Those who know me only socially assume I’m an extrovert- I laugh easily, take things lightly, and am, well… social. The catch is that it’s in small doses and it takes a week to decompress.

If you’d ever been on one of those ancient versions of a dating website, or wondered about one, it was pretty simple. You picked out some potentially appealing pictures/bios, and/or get picked out. Then you exchanged emails, which may or may not have lead to phone conversations, and then finally, a meeting. Coffee, or a cocktail, something easy to escape from should things go south. We had decided on meeting for a drink, and after an hysterically memorable evening, we both knew there were some sparks, and that we would be seeing each other again.

That’s the fluffy condensed version, the details of that meeting are chronicled here. Prior to us ever meeting, and within those numerous (and still saved) emails, my future husband disclosed that he was a police officer. A 20+ Year veteran of the police, no less. After telling me this, he said that he’d understand if I was suddenly no longer interested in getting to know him.

Now, truthfully? Had he just simply said, “Hey, by the way, I’m a cop.” I’d have probably just said, “Oh, ok. Cool.” Asked him the obvious questions, and kept moving forward with wherever this was going. However, because of how he followed up his, “I’m a police officer” statement, I paused. All the implications of his career choice began to dawn on me at once.

I can’t lie, and I admit, this is soooo typical girlie mentality, but my first thought was, “Welllllll, nowwww. That’s hot.” I know, I know. But cut me some slack, here, more women than not love a man in uniform!

My second thought? ” Oh, crap. More women than not love a man in uniform. ” Then the whole litany of concerns began in succession: I mean, is this something I want to deal with- women making passes at my (possible/maybe) boyfriend? Seriously, I’m too old for that nonsense. I’m a mother, for Gods sake!

The thought of my kids brought on a whole other slew of thoughts and worries, or potential worries. What if we do become “something”. What if I fall in love with this man- a man who leads a life so utterly foreign to anything I’ve ever experienced? I’d never dated a cop, nor a fire fighter for that matter, it was as alien to me as…well, an alien would be.

Could… should I potentially give my heart to man whose life is, by nature of his job, in regular danger? Can I handle that kind of daily fear, worry? Can I bring that into my children’s lives? The only thing I knew was that I didn’t know. But; One thing else I think I subconsciously knew. Something was telling me to wait and see. Give this guy- this guy whose eyes kept drawing me in- give him a chance to show if he’s worth that kind of fear and worry.

Now, flash forward thirteen amazing years. The man with the eyes that I felt compelled to want to know more because of, is my husband. My best friend. My confidant, my partner. My buddy. The one and only person I’ve ever know to be 100% consistent in being who he say is his, what he believes in, and how he conducts himself. He is my living proof that I was right all along: I would someday meet a man who was everything I could wish for- and more.

This sweet man has taught me so much, through his actions and his character, and those above mentioned beliefs. You could say, and we have both said it often- I’ve been indoctrinated into this very unique life we live. If you, too, live a police family life, you know it all, too. If not, or are just starting to, you probably have heard from many of us, the perils, challenges, and oh, yes, the humor, of being in this type of family.

It is all true: We hug tighter, love harder. We keep our phone volume on high in the middle of the night. We push gun belts and vests aside for someone to sit on the sofa. We brush cuffs, ammo, name tags, and short little notepads & pencils into the “junk drawer” just before a guest walks in. We have gun safes. We call our husbands co workers by their last names, and we adopt phrases like, “Roger that” into our vocabulary. We know where we need to sit in restaurants, every time. We cringe when we here our spouse get asked, ” Do I know you from somewhere?”

I learned that there are people in your life that you will have to part ways with. People who you thought were your friends, or even your family members, who show a side of themselves most unbecoming, and incompatible with this kind of life. Becoming part of a police family can have an interesting effect on people- their true colors come out.  I also learned that those same people are the first to ask for a favor from their ‘friend, the cop’. Ultimately, I learned that this truly is a world in which “you are either with us, or against us”.

None of that is very surprising, in fact, it seems like it would be obvious. In truth, it really was very easy for me, because I came in late to his career. He’d already proven himself (to himself, and to others), he wasn’t on the chase anymore. He was, and is, a secure, confident and accomplished man. He is both proud and humble. He has a surprising grace ( for a man who is a very, very typical man- trust me, people.) and graciousness. All from hard learned lessons of his own, acquired long before me. He had already become the man he’d spent a lifetime building.

From him, and our police family life, I’ve discovered in myself a fierceness, a protectiveness, that I’d thought only existed in me for my children. I have found that ( in his words) the mama bear in me comes out just as aggressively on his ( and his Blue brothers and Sisters) behalf when they are unjustly attacked. I am equally as fiercely proud of that fact.

I’ve learned- am learning- to slow down. I find that in this relationship, I cherish more, forgive faster, fight less, and give of myself more freely. I am a better, stronger, more fulfilled person in this life because I embrace it, and everything in brings. That meant embracing the fears and worries, as well. Yes, I would rather have him home safe with me than at work. However, the respect and admiration I have for him, all of these men and women who wear the badge, and who give so selflessly of themselves, far surpass my selfish wants. They are truly a lesson in humility, and humanity.

We sometimes have wondered, “What would have happened if we’d met sooner than later?”  The truth is, we don’t know if we’d have been compatible back then.  At the core, we are the same two people, but back then? We were still finding our respective ways, who knows if the ‘me’ and ‘him’ of then could have this bond that we have now, in this chapter in our lives. I honestly don’t know if we could have appreciated it the way we do now, back then.

I see these young couples, in the police life, and I think, “God, you poor kids! So much to take in, and learn!” I worry for them- can they grow together, not apart? Are they able to see that big picture, the long run? Who am I to advise them, really? I didn’t live the struggle, like they’re doing. I just know that I want to see them make it. I don’t want them to be a statistic- a personal casualty of the job.

So to you, new Blue family members: All I can offer is what I do, very concretely, know about living this kind of life. It doesn’t matter if you are new to it or not- you have to embrace it. Love it. Believe in not only the person behind the badge- that’s easy to do, but believe in the job that they do. Because all of us know: It’s not just their job, it’s who they are. If you can’t be completely behind them, you can’t expect to survive, let alone thrive. Home must be the haven. I repeat: Home Must Be The Haven. Be a ‘can do’ partner, not a ‘honey do’. Expect and give nothing less than total respect, compassion, trust. You are building a life day by day, so stack those bricks carefully so that they hold tight.

Lastly: You, too, are now a part of something greater than yourself. You are a leaf on a family tree whose branches reach across the world. You are part of something hated by many, but loved by so many more. Be proud. Represent well. Stay strong.