12 People You Know
(And Want To Slap Sometimes)
On Facebook
by ModernMelly
We all know em, we all ARE them ( at one time or another, at least) and we all roll our eyes at them. Let’s get right to messing with our favorite Facebook-ers, shall we?
1) The Humblebragger
Oh, the master-er of the humble brag
See what she did there? I mean, it’s subtle, like, you could easily miss it… but it’s there. So, when your Facebook friend updates their status with anything along the lines of , “OMG, I feel SO out of place at this INCREDIBLE gala! There’s all these amazing, brilliant people here, and they invited ME as their guest of honor?! STOP!” you can rest assured: they are humble bragging. Fact: I’ve knowingly humblebragged (but announced that I was about to first. You get points for that, you know).
2) The Wannabe Foodie
Meh, ugh, and ewwww. The three times a day what-the-fuck-filter-are-you-using-and-why food photo? No, STAHPPP it. They’re like,
Starting the day off right with my power breakfast, nom nom nom:
Here’s my delish lunch, yummmm:
Dinner tonight was amaze-balls thanks to my love:
3) The Relationship Seesaw Facebook-er
Aww, look she met the love of her life! So sweet! Wait, they broke up? Oh, so sorry to read th- Oh, their back together, yay! So, just a suggestion, but maybe, just maybe, you should not change your relationship status after one date? I dunno. Relationship roller-coasters
4) The Political Expert
If you don’t know their political stance, it’s because you’re not on Facebook. Or, you’ve unfollowed them 37 Hillary For Prison/ Trump is a Oompa Loompa
5)The Cryptic
The cryptic will say something like: “I told you not to push your luck.” Or: “Some people! SMH!” and then wait for the flood of comments that pour in, asking if they’re okay, do they need them to kick someone’s ass, or offering wine and an Amen to that. Most of the time they won’t answer a single comment until 9 hours later, and even then with just an ‘everything’s fine, thanks for asking, hey so and so, check your inbox, I sent you a message.’ Which the rest of us are like, wait, how does so and so rate? Why do they get the deets, and we don’t? Thanks for making us curious despite ourselves.
6) The Philosophizer/ Inspiration-ist
Ahh, the great and wonderful ponderer of life… via memes. They share post after post of meaningful inspiration and having inner peace. But, I swear I just saw you flip some chick off for looking at your man, so what’s up with that? Honestly, like, are you TRYING to find inner peace
7) The Doom & Gloomer
Dude, lighten up, huh? Every post is about what’s wrong in the world, how shitty people are, and how things will never get better. That’s the guy that repeatedly takes the ‘when you’re going to die and how’ test and sharing his results. Oh, and he LOVES Grumpy Cat
8) The Jokey Jokester
Unlike Mr.Doom & Gloom, The jokester can find the humor in ANYTHING, and the more inappropriate it is, the better. He prefers vulgar memes and usually posts at LEAST one fat-woman-in-bikini pic to his buddy’s page and asks if he’d tap that. Ultimately, the jokester is harmless, if not annoying. At least he’s trying to have fun, right?!
9) The Hey, I just Started Selling (insert trending product) Mom.
Yah, I’m basically her. I’m regularly pushing my blog, my books, and now my brand (#goodhuman, which you can learn all about here) on all of my Facebook friends. What can I say? Ya gotta start somewhere, and free advertising is awesome! Yes, I recognize we’re a bit annoying when will fill your news feed with pics and links and pitches, but if YOU my dear sweet friend (who I haven’t actually seen in person since high school, but know all about your last trip to Cancun) were trying to make a go at something positive and good for your family, I’d throw ya a bone. Just sayin’. Winky face emoji.
10) The I Don’t Really Go On Facebook, Like, Ever Person
Haaa, you almost had me! I was this close to believing that the profile you made back in 2012 (but never post from) is just some whim you had, then changed your mind and forgot about. But then, how did you know that me and so and so just went for Sushi last night, hmmm? Could it be because I updated my status with a humblebrag about my amazing dinner companion & pic of my martini and checked in my location, stating that we’re celebrating the launch of my #goodhuman brand, maybe? Admit it! You are Number 11….
11) The Silent Facebook Stalker
Now, of course there’s more than one kind of Facebook stalker, and frankly they all kinda suck. But for this particular post, we’re talking about Mr/Miss/Mrs Superior. The number 10 AND 11. You’re the one that knows every posted detail about everyone else’s business, yet shames us ‘regulars’ with your smug head toss, pfffft sound, and dismissive hand wave as you say, ” Oh, GOD no! Me? Facebook? Blech, I just don’t have the time for that nonsense.” I’d be offended, but I’m too busy leaving a passive aggressive status update about you.
12)The Selfie-Aholic
They have two poses, phone up high (best angle) lips pouted (duck-lips) or the waist high, mirror pic. Nothing changes except their outfit and their caption, which often goes like this (if it’s a mirror shot): “Hittin’ it HARD, bitches! #mybodyismytemple #fitnessgoals #killinit” or, if they’re out and about: ” Beautiful day on the beach with my loves #lifeisgood #beachdays #sunlover” . We rarely see what it is they’re looking at, be it scenery, a show, or a landmark, because their face fills the entire frame. Yup, I’ve done it.
Of course, there’s plenty of other types, as we well know, so how about you add yours to the Facebook page I’m about to share this on (um, and maybe like & share my page, modern melly while you’re there)!
About Modern Melly, aka Melanie Cherniack: Melanie a a published author to nine children’s books, as well as two novels, all available through her website modernmelly.com/shop. Melanie is also the founder and designer of the #goodhuman brand, selling empowering, uplifting and inspiring merchandise which benefits numerous charities. Visit igoodhuman.com for more. She is available for book signing events as well as speaking engagements. To book an event email Melanie at modernmellyworld@gmail.com. Find Melly on Facebook HERE and on Twitter HERE.
