Dear everyone and their mother that writes a blog, including me: STOP FUCKING WRITING ‘DEAR (insert person type here)’. Enough already, we get it. Seriously. Dear children’s costume company, stop making costumes gender specific.Dear lady at the gym that looked at me funny while I was on the treadmill eating a Snickers bar. Dear man in the elevator who didn’t hold the door for me. Dear… yeah, okay you get the idea.
I totally get it, it’s a ‘thing’, just like lists and how-to’s and everything else that’s the next big blog phase. We are trying to be relevant, we’re all hoping we’ll stand out, go viral, get our fifteen minutes of fame. I also get it that I’m maybe a little bitchy because I’m tired. I shouldn’t write when I’m tired, because I’m a bitch when I’m tired. Too late, I’ve already started.
Regardless, if I see one more ‘Dear Blah Blah Blah’, besides my own, of course I will totally… eh, I’ll do nothing, actually. But just take a sec and feel my boredom, my annoyance, my what the fuckishness at it all, and do something new. Something different. And while we’re at it, stop sucking me in with those long headlines that drop off with the cliffhanger that forces you to click, like: ‘Dear Naked Homeless Man Who Gave Me…” Well played, witty blogger, well played. Actually, those ones are fun. I’m good with that.
It’s, ugh, all those other ones. The preachy, shame on you person who did this, said that, looked at my kid funny, so on and on. Folks, here’s a newsflash I shouldn’t have to remind you of: Some people, perhaps even a disproportionate number of them, SUCK. They are ASSHOLES. They are not worth the 3 to 6 hundred words you’ve just blasted out to illicit us in joining you in your moral indignation. Just, shhhhh.
If some shitbag laughed at your special needs child, no angry shaming post, even if it’s shared by millions, will change the fact that that guy is crap, and your kid is no less spectacular for his stupidity. He’ll never read your post, and in the off chance he does, he won’t care. Why? Because he laughed at a child with special needs.
Chick who won’t let her daughter watch Disney movies because they demean and devalue women, and had to make sure everyone knew her moral line in the sand was drawn (because she wrote a Dear Disney blog). Stahhhp. Don’t deprive that poor kid of Disney, just fricking teach her where the stories fail, be the role model. A cartoon character should not be anything more that what it is: a character in a story.
Lady who’s outraged that the police officer costume come in pants for boys and a cutsie dress for girls: BUY THE FUCKING PANTS COSTUME. If they won’t call it what you want, YOU call it what you want. And, by the way, did you check with your daughter which one SHE wants? Maybe she wants the dress. It’s okay to be girly, it’s okay to like boyish stuff, too. It’s okay to pick a gender. It’s okay to not pick a gender. It’s NOT okay to impose your ideals on everyone else.
Granted, many, and I mean many of these stories are really good, great even. Thought provoking, insightful, witty, the whole shebang. I don’t really want anyone to stop. Not the ones who share uplifting, faith-in-humanity restoring stories, those are so cool. But all the cry baby whining, the litany of personal offenses and high horse chastising? Those are the ones I mean. Oh, just: no mas people, no mas.
And yes, I totally recognize how hypocritical this post appears: I’m complaining that people keep complaining. Crap. Now I probably need to apologize for being snarky, before someone else writes a blog about bloggers who bitchily blog about other bloggers and their blogs. What? Yeah. That. Sigh, here goes,
Dear Bloggers Who Think I’m A Bitch…” (I can see the response already, ” Dear Blogger Who Has Ten Readers, Shut the fuck up…” 😉
Alright, I’m done. Going to bed, and though I shouldn’t hit ‘post’ on this one… I’m gonna.
