Updated for 2026: When I first wrote this post, a bad book review could ruin my whole afternoon. Now I host a show, which means I have comment sections. Plural. On YouTube, on Spotify, on every clip that gets shared. And let me tell you, the internet has opinions about my face, my voice, my faith and my hair (mostly my hair). If I hadn’t learned how to take nothing personally years ago, I’d never survive a single upload. So here’s how I got there, with a little more Jesus in it this time.
Why “Don’t Take This Personally” Is Never a Compliment
We all know what comes after the words, “Don’t take this personally, but…” An insult. Same goes for “no offense.” There is a guaranteed offense either before or after those words. The intent, of course, is to disarm you and make you defenseless because, well, they told you how not to react. It’s a good subliminal trick, since more often than not, when someone receives an insult wrapped in a disclaimer, they tend to not rebuke them. At least not right away.
Listen, I’m guilty of it. As a generally non-confrontational person, I know I’ve pulled this passive-aggressive trick out of the hat a time or two in the past. Then I became a bit (far from completely) self-aware and started hitting conflict straight on. Not to say I look for a fight. Seriously, I do not want to fight, but if I need to, I will. With a vengeance of epic and annihilating aggression. That’s not a brag, just a fact.
I mention this because in the early years of dating my husband, who so happens to be in Law Enforcement for the past 35 years (and a USMC Gulf War Veteran), I encountered quite a few people who thought it was their place to tell me what police officers were like. Some examples? Oh, sure.
You’re dating a cop? They all cheat, you know. 40% of cops are notorious spousal abusers. How could you date a cop? They’re all corrupt.
You get the idea. This, obviously, put me on the defensive for my truly wonderful, kind-hearted man. I sparred with anyone and everyone who dared insult him or the profession as a whole. And I did so with an arsenal of facts, data, statistics, and of course, personal experience. My husband appreciated my fierce defense of him and the job he did with honor and pride, but he also worried for me and for how my outspokenness would affect my budding writing career. I was like a vicious dog with a bone; I was not giving in or backing down, damn the consequence.
I said,
I can’t just sit back and let them talk about you or police like that. It’s not fair that you can’t defend yourself against the B.S. comments.
It took me a couple (okay, few) years before I allowed his response to sink in.
They aren’t talking about me or the job. They’re talking from their own perceptions of police. Those perceptions are based on either something they experienced with a cop, or from the media, or what other people tell them. Not on reality. Sure, it bothers me – a lot if I let it – but at the end of the day, I can’t let other people’s perceptions dictate who I am. I know who I am and what I do.
As I became more outspoken, the insults started coming my way. During that same time, I got my first negative review on a book. I was getting a taste of what life in the public eye (on a very small scale) was like. I started with the same energy I’d used defending my husband’s work – responding to comments with maniacal glee and intent to beat down my opponents until they either begged for mercy or slinked away. And then… well, I’m not quite sure what changed. Honestly? I think I just got tired.
I began noticing the battles were repeats of circular arguments with no resolution, no come to Jesus moments, and no satisfaction (aside from “winning”). I began to care less about the opinions of others. It was one of the most liberating feelings I’ve ever had.
How to Take Nothing Personally (Even in the Comment Section)
Around this time, I discovered the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. These four agreements are covenants you make with yourself so as to live your best life. They are:
Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Don’t Take Anything Personally.
Don’t Make Assumptions.
Always Do Your Best.
So simple, right? Yes… and no. Simple in concept, difficult in practice. However, mastering these agreements is completely life changing and worth the energy investment. Each agreement has its own significant value, but because of the lifestyle I live and work I do – authorship, social media content creating, and podcasting – I took special notice of number two, as I’d already begun the work and wanted to attain the skills to do it better.
The moment – and I mean the literal moment – when I fully understood that other people’s perceptions and opinions of me were not my business or my concern, the need to argue with them or prove them wrong disappeared. Dis. A. Peared. You think I’m a terrible writer? Okay, cool. You say I’m a “pig lover?” That’s nice. You think my TikTok videos are stupid? Aw, well thanks for watching!
It’s all good, because I know it’s not personal. Maybe they’re saying mean things because I remind them of the aunt they hate. Maybe it’s because they’re having a bad day, or a bad life for that matter. Maybe they’re jealous or envious. I don’t know (and I don’t care).
What I do know with absolute certainty is that happy, fulfilled people don’t try to hurt other people. Only unhappy/hurt people do that. You will never see a fulfilled person trying to bring anyone down. So, when you understand that, it kind of takes the sting out of their bite, doesn’t it?
But Elsa (someone might say), what if they’re making really personal attacks? (You’re fat, you’re ugly, etc.) Same mantra: not my business, not my problem, not my reality. And if you’re struggling to believe those words for yourself, remember this: God does not make mistakes.
I cannot say it enough: incorporating the four agreements into your daily habits and mindset will change you in the best possible way. You’re worth the time it takes to do the work of achieving this mindset.
What the Bible Says About Not Taking Offense
I’ll be honest: The Four Agreements isn’t a Christian book, and not everything in it lines up with Scripture. But this particular idea? God said it first, and said it better.
“The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression.” — Proverbs 19:11 (NKJV)
“His glory is to overlook a transgression.” Not ignore. Not stuff down. Overlook, as in, rise above it and refuse to let it run your day. That’s not weakness. Scripture calls it glory.
“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” — Romans 12:18 (NKJV)
Notice the fine print: “as much as depends on you.” I can’t control whether a stranger in the comments wants peace. I can control whether I hand him my peace.
And when the insults get personal, Jesus is our model. When He was mocked, “when He was reviled, did not revile in return… but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23, NKJV). He knew exactly who He was, so He didn’t need to win the argument.
That’s the real secret. When your identity is settled in Christ, other people’s opinions lose their grip. You can’t be fired from a job God gave you, and you can’t be un-made by someone who didn’t make you:
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” — Psalm 139:14 (NKJV)
Keep reading: If the person insulting you is always the hero of their own story, you might be dealing with a Spotlight Snatcher. And if you’re a recovering people-pleaser, I’m Not a Nice Person is basically this post’s sequel.
Keep the Conversation Going
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