Top Internet Troll & Trash Talker Tactics

Today’s topic is:

Internet Trolls and the Trash They Talk! We all know ’em, we all love…err, hate ’em! Ya can’t live with them, and ya can’t give ’em a little shove off a big cliff, now can ya?!Aren’t they are fucking awesome? (She says with heavy sarcasm)

Sigh. Right?

So, since we can’t get rid of them, let’s make fun of them instead. Let’s see if you recognize any of these tactics employed by these pesky little fuckers.

Traits of Trash Talkers & Internet Trolls: 

1. They NEVER have a solution to whatever social/economic/political problem they pontificate on.
2. If they DO happen to have one, it usually starts with, “Well, you know what I’d do…” Yes, I do know: you’d cower in a corner and suck your thumb if you EVER had to lead anyone anywhere to do anything.
3. Conversely, they make lofty ‘in a perfect world’ kind of statements, such as, “Well I think they should just get rid of all guns! Then the world would be a better place!’ Aww, that’s so cute! Here’s a lollipop and some bubbles to blow. Go sit down.
4. When you counter their expert opinions with facts and or statistic from ACTUAL sources, not propaganda publications, they make sure you know they have a friend who’s sisters aunt’s cousin said those facts & stats were made up, so therefore, they win!
5. Their favorite sentence starters are, ” So you’re saying…” and “Yah, but what about…” and my all time favorite, “But you didn’t answer my question…” *To which we copy and paste our answer to their question from 14 posts ago, showing them for the third time that we did , in fact, answer their question, they just didn’t have a rebuttal, or didn’t like the answer.
6. The more you fail to bend to their point of view, the more hostile they get. Insults begin, as do the meme wars.
7. You’ve now either become unfriended/unfollowed, or they are the first person to comment on EVERYTHING you post.
8. They also like use one – three word comments, always derogatory and/or offensive, such as “fuk u, stoopid” (yes, that, too- their grammar & spelling are abhorrent). These are typically people you don’t know, those random fuckwits that swoop in and out again before you can finish typing ‘dude, what the fucks you problem?’
9. Their profile pic is often either a close-up of their nostrils, their favorite beer, a fat lady meme, or just about anything that makes you squint and say what the fff…
10. Last but not least, they believe strongly in: conspiracy theories, are anti-government, anti-law enforcement, pro-marijuana legalization, live either in their parents’ basement, or sit up at all hours of the night in their own basement, clacking away on the keyboard (wearing their Keyboard Warrior capes, of course) and hoping that their mom or wife do wake up and tell them to get back to bed.

Yes, I’ve recently encountered some of these asshats, on Twitter. To the girl who called me ‘Mayonnaise’: you pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time. Seriously, that shit was funny, or at least it would’ve been if she wasn’t such a hostile, hateful and wholly ignorant young thing. For real- she accused me of racism (because I dared to dislike a black performers use of her 15 min of fame to promote and incite hate & violence) while calling me a name inspired by the color of my skin. That made sense, right?!

But she is just a small sample of what the internet age has brought, there’s way worse than her out there, by far. In fact, it’s outright dangerous now to disagree. So all kidding aside, and though I can’t seem to take my own advice very well: be careful out there, in that big old virtual world. There are some very real, very angry people out there who are being emboldened, incited and encouraged to act on their misplaced rage.

However, if you know your keyboard assailant well enough to fuck with them, here are some of my favorite memes to throw at them when they put their crazy pants on: