Well, I”l be damned.
That’s what I was thinking, a few days ago, as I bobbed along in an aluminum kayak, in the middle of a crystal clear Florida spring, alone. It was beautiful, as you can see by the picture.
It was a serene,lovely place, surrounded by a myriad of trees and bush, Spanish moss cascading, a tri-colored heron or three resting heavily on a low branches, birds chirping… perfect, right? It was exactly what I’d hoped it would be, less one minor (major) drawback: it felt hollow.
The thing is, I drank the Kool-Aid, absorbed the literature, I bought the swamp land. And by all of that, I mean this; I went into this mini trip knowing that I’d have a day all to myself, so I thought (convinced myself, more like); Good. This will be so good for you (me, I was talking to myself again, like here). I’ll read, I’ll write, I’ll contemplate the meaning of life, meditate, embrace this ‘me’ time. It’ll be empowering- you know, that whole “I am Woman, Hear Me Roar” business.
It was all a bunch of bullshit. It wasn’t fun, or empowering, or even relaxing. It was stressful. Lonely. Boring. In a word? It sucked. In under ten minutes on the spring, and while in the kayak, I called my husband, putting him on speakerphone (so I could row and talk). I wanted to share this experience with him, not all alone!
The truth of the matter is, once upon a time, yes- I did so desperately need to do something like that. Be away. Alone. To be able to think without the noise of my world, to show myself I was strong and capable. To be free. But, now? Nope. I don’t live ‘there’ anymore, I live in a space of easy companionship, friendship, trust…love. I want to be alone, sure; but alone with my husband. Even if, as it is right this moment, we are in separate rooms doing separate things. He’s with me. His presence fills the house, as does mine, with a mutual comfort.
I guess, what I realized is that the times in my life where I’ve said/thought that I wanted, no, I needed to be alone, I only thought I meant it. What I really wanted to to be with a person that makes me feel like I’ll never need or want to be alone again. It’s remarkable to me to be in this place, this space in time. I am content, but not complacent. I am free, but connected. I chase away no demons, and I chase after dreams. My fears are tempered by the comfort of a kindred spirit. I’m humbled, and equally proud. I have all of this, and so much more. Why on earth would I want to be alone?
So, basically, I traded epiphanies; the one I’d expected to have, for the one that I was meant to have. See, I’d expected to get out on the spring, in the midst of nature in all it’s beauty and have this sense of ‘Ahhh,’ as I envisioned myself as the heroine in some poignant movie scene (I explain this affection for drama here). It’ll be great for writing, I figured. Instead, I had this sense of, ‘ Oh.’ and envisioned myself tipping over into the alligator infested spring, with no one to save me. Or laugh at me. Because that’s what my husband and I would do to each other.
Funny, the things you discover when trying to discover something else.
